When the money stuff is not going the way you hoped, or planned, there can be a sense that things are just beyond your control. And sometimes they are. Sometimes people lose jobs, get sick or get divorced. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And sometimes, decisions we made that seemed really good at the time based on the information we had have been revealed by the light of time as regrettable. Right now, many that are facing financial problems are experiencing regret. That regret, and the emotions that it brings along with it can be utterly paralyzing.
In a way, it’s odd. At one time, we had the power to make the decisions that brought us to the stage of life we find ourselves in. Yet somehow, we cannot seem to find the power to get ourselves to move forward from it. We end up wallowing.
It does not help when bill collectors call you and act like unadulterated asses. It totally doesn’t help when you take the step of speaking to a collector, explaining your situation, offering to pay what you can afford, and to be told that you need to pay some absurd amount that you know you cannot afford “…or else.” And it totally doesn’t help when they cannot even muster some basic level of respect that you would expected to be afforded to any other living being.
And then it dawns on you: you cannot live up to the promises that you intended to keep. You just can’t. There are plenty of reasons. Some are good, and some are not so good.
Today I received an email from a couple who I know is going through a fair amount of stress relating to the family finances. I’ve told the couple what documents and information I need from them to properly assess their situation (which means I need to be able to tell them something other than “yes, you have options”). And it’s pretty obvious to me that what’s going on with the family’s resources is taking its toll. The parents are not eating or sleeping well, and I’m willing to bet that despite their best efforts, the kids see and experience this stress first-hand. But today’s email ended with this sentence:
I’ve tried my best to reduce expenses …. I’ve tried everything I can, but I’m over my head. Will a judge ever believe me?
To be clear, there’s nothing about this client that leads me to think that there have been some financial shenanigans going on. I have no reason to think there is any cash stuffed in a mattress while the couple thumbs their noses at their lenders. They got in over their head. They made decisions they now regret. I am sure that the bill collectors did not help. I am sure that there is a sense of dread when they go to the mailbox to see the bills that have ballooned. I am sure that it is the shame they feel that leads them to think that no judge would ever believe that they did the best they could. Since after all, if they someone got to this stage in their life because of some regrettable decision they made, then I guess one could argue that they did not really do the best they could…
But what they do not have, I do: perspective. They are like the overwhelming majority of people that come to me, and that seek bankruptcy protection: they are honest but unfortunate debtors. Even though these folks have taken that first small step by contact me, they feel powerless.
If you’re still reading this, I want you to know that the first step to getting past that feeling of powerlessness is to admit it. To yourself. When a client calls me for the first time, they have taken a big step in recognizing that there’s an issue and that they need to do something about it. When a client meets with me face to face, when they have gone through some of the financial information I need to properly assess their situation and present to them their options, they take an even bigger and more important step. And by the time their case is filed and I am sitting beside them at their Section 341 Meeting of Creditors, they have bravely taken many big steps.
But the only way you can take even the smallest step is if you resolve to no longer allow the debt monster to paralyze you. Sometimes you have to accept that things are not the way you would have hoped. Sometimes you have to accept that things will not go the way you planned. Sometimes, you have to recognize that being human means that sometimes we do things we regret. It’s not easy. But it can be done.
Each step after that will get easier, and each step bring you closer to the next stage in your life that I am willing to bet is going to feel way better than this particular stage feels. After practicing law for almost 18 years, and practicing bankruptcy law for more than 11 years, I can honestly say that this is the truest lesson I have learned from my bankruptcy clients.
Related posts:
- Knowledge is Power, Sort of
- Storm Preparation: Acceptance
- My Thoughts on the Half Glass
- The Elephant in the Room: Married Same-Sex Debtors
- Honesty and Bankruptcy, Part III: The Reality Check and the Boy Scout
Tags: Bankruptcy