Chances are, your parents feel profound shame.
Older folks come a generation that grew up with parents who lived through the depression and World War II. More simply stated, I believe it is safe to say that most older folks have a much different relationship with money and debt than younger ones do. The thought of having to file bankruptcy will probably touch upon emotions and feelings that one might not necessarily experience if they were a younger debtor. Also, one’s debt is not something that is typically shared with the kids.

But older folks get into financial troubles: credit is used for medication, food, and other necessities. Bills get behind. The pension (if they are lucky to have one) and the social security check are not enough to cover expenses. The debt continues to grow. Not paying it back is a more difficult thing to grasp. This is not a judgment call – this is just how it is. And it is with that understanding that kids need to understand why their parents may have kept it a secret, and understand and appreciate the level of shame may not be the same as if you were the one in debt.

Chances are, your parents feel like they are losing control.
Most parents will admit that they do not want to be a burden on their children. They want to maintain their independence. That feeling of independence can stem from keeping one’s driver’s license, to being able to enjoy the activities that they are used to. It can also mean the independence to have control over their own finances – even if those finances are now out of control.

There’s no easy to involve oneself into a parent’s finances. But if you think you need to immerse yourself into their financial problems in order to help them get out of those financial problems, talk about the feared loss of control. Your parents probably do not want to admit it, and at the risk of sounding a tad offensive, your parents might feel some assurance knowing that this is not a situtation where today you're getting involved in their finances, and tomorrow, it's off to the nursing home. If you broach the subject first, it might make a difficult situation easier to work with.

Chances are, there are things they do not want you to know about.
Parents may feel apprehensive about disclosing how they have spent money or used credit. This is where it may start to get tricky for you. You are probably the first, and the best person to help them address and get through their financial problems. But even though you’re an adult, you’re also their kid.

Think about this: how might you react if your parent told you that they used their credit card for cash advances at BINGO, shopping or to keep the house stocked with wine? Might your reaction be different if they admitted that they told you that the only reason why they gamble at BINGO, drink wine or shop is because you never visit? Would your reaction be different if they told you that they used their credit cards for clothes, food and medicine and have been struggling for years but did not want to tell you? And might the reaction be different because they did not want to tell you because they did not think you would help them, they could rely on you, or that you could help? Might your response be different if they just admit they are not good with money, have not been good with money, and tried to be good with money but failed? These are things I urge you to think about. This brings me to a final point to consider:

Chances are, there are things you will wish you did not learn about.
This probably falls into the “shame” factor, but I’m not talking about things that your parents might be feeling about their finances. Rather, I am talking about things you wish you did not know about your parents.

For this, there is little I can offer in terms of “here are my tips for handling this delicate issue.” I got none. Perhaps the only thing I can do is put it out there: know, that if you’re going to be helping your folks who are overwhelmed with debt, you likely are going to learn things about them that you would have liked to have not known. And also know that more than likely, they know it, and they are not happy about it either.

I wrote this article after I received a phone call yesterday from someone looking for help for their folks. After the call, I started to recall the number of older folks who were brought to me by their children, or came to me at the behest of their children.

There was a debtor who filed bankruptcy knowing she was terminally ill and did not want to leave her children and grandchildren piles of debt. There were the debtors who filed bankruptcy only after realizing that the reality of growing older and the illnesses that followed, had forced them into financial ruin. There was a debtor who filed bankruptcy after more than 10 years of paying credit card bills for debts that arose from the death and the funeral of the spouse. There were other older debtors, each with different issues and reasons for filing bankruptcy. Yet each had the same four issues pop up in their lives and with their kids. And each debtor (and hopefully their kids), on one level or another, was able to move on.

Your parents will to. I typically tell people that years from now, their bankruptcy will be but a “blip” on the radar. Or sometimes it's just a small "bump" in the road. I imagine that folks in their 30s might not hear it the same way as folks in their 60s. While I in no way intend to declare that putting your parents into bankruptcy is going to be easy, I hope that the points I raise will help the parents and their children get through what will be a difficult – but likely manageable – process.

And perhaps, years later, the things you have learned about your parents won't seem so bad after all.